it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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