Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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