did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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