I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
