He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
