she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
