u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
from now on my penis is your penis
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
