Soap is not a condiment
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
