Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
