Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Even the bartender felt bad for me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
