I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He passed out mid-signature
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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