bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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