Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
