I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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