We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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