When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Someone signed my nipple.
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