I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
