I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
