Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
