I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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