having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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