Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
