what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
