So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
