Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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