I'm going to jail i love you
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My ass is underappreciated
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
