Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
