youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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