she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
