he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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