you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
