I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
