i already hear my dad disowning me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
