Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This is classic penis vs brain.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
