I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it's like heaven, but drunker
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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