is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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