i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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