we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
