no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
