I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And then he peed in my hair
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