living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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