You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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