We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Can vaginas get frostbite?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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