What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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