Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
