i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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