you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm determined to sit on that face.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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