I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
