We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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