i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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