this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
